Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ave's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 22nd, 2001
11:06 am	for all those who wanted to read it- here it is. vampire sex it's easy to look at a blank screen and ask it to fill itself up but it doesn't often do as you would like it to i want to run away from the oppression of the whiteness on that screen and hope it gets filled up with life strand by strand piece by piece and it's not about me on a stage where i want to be it's about you in the chair staring back at me wondering hoping waiting for something worse to happen something different and real and less numb i can't see anything but the nothing left in front of my face it suffocates because i can't feel and i am drained of tears and smiles and nonsense no one wants to hear anyone but the whores whores whores is why they are! what they are! how can they look at that gaudy red in the mirror? how can they be themselves in high boots and ugly lipstick? how do they hide all of that in the supermarket? if i had it couldn't hide it but they do a goob job and you can see them work it in the hallways and on the stairs and in the lunchline you can see them shake their thing and lie to everyone and even lie to themselves and they want that feeling of sex they want to throb with boys and have them lick their fingertips and i'm not sure if that is such a good thing because they don't like good boys or bad boys they don't pick they just do over and over again they are not mistakes they don't make mistakes i don't think they regret the wouldn't wish for a time machine and they wouldn't call home to talk to to mommy they would find some creature a quiet one and use them while they use themselves over and over and over again until there isn't anything left until they don't feel empty anymore... they sucked everything. but they are always empty with their redness and their blackness and their vampire sex. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 15th, 2001
11:05 pm	the mirror has two faces but which one do i occupy? do i visit a place where i do not see my countenance but that of another? can i see my words through the image i reflect on my self worth i can put anything i want in front of my mirror and say "this is me!" but i am the only person who envelopes it as my own as well as the only person who can tell the difference between the two sides of my mirror: truth and lies. hopelessly entwined distorting my persona lifting my sights as gravity entices my feet plunging downward looking skyward... what is in the middle? a window, perhaps? is this the true vision i seek? caught between two entities that cannot be seperated clarity is only one more angle that cannot be delineated from right or wrong only an opinion caught by the image that is my life (Comment on this)
9:04 pm	inhibitions do i have them? of course i do... the mystery is of course, what would i be like if i didn't? if we all had no inhibitions, would we not all be the same raw example of humanity? it seems that what we restrict ourselves from doing creates the person that we are. because without the knowledge of the actions we'd like to avoid performing in our daily lives, how can we decide what our desires are? does that mean... we, as people, truly want what we cannot have? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
9:49 pm	daydreams and nightdreams and inbetween silence gravity sweet berevity the understatement of thought and time through coy smiles and miscommunication music is the reason my blood is electricity late at night when the moon etches a message in whispers across my floor i'm crazy in a floaty kind of way i think you understand because you love me in a way that no one else does in a way that i don't comprehend and i want to know how you love me who i am through your innocent eyes and your knowing words. you have everything you need and you are happy i want to be you when i grow up and explode with talent and honeysuckle joy i want to kiss you and i want to pretend i am your first kiss will you let me do that? (Comment on this)
Monday, June 11th, 2001
11:38 pm	oppression to cry and beat against the confines of the walls we surround ourselves with- the judgement of our mental evolution affecting the familiar tacits of humanity that are applied to daily life and perspective. to stop the moments which create these boundaries, oh to breathe life into those that have not been given a chance to truly live. and yet- we are dealing with predjudice, every day. it is the sanctified institution of the dark unknown, that breeds insecurity as it's constant poster child. to touch those who cannot be touched, parting the seas of fear with the hand of love. it is not merely words i give to this cause, but now i give my senses, my thought, my sight, my mind. i am free of my skin and i am nothing but forgiving air, the nourishment of the untamed seed to grow into whatever it pleases. i am not here to shape but to encourage without judgement. perhaps i can only support and justify my views to myself. in fact, i know that is true, that may be the only thing i am certain of. i feel this is a manifesto for my philosophy. my own personal arsonal against the thriving energy of the insecure masses. i refuse to say i will change the human condition- because i know, that because of my perspective, i already have. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 9th, 2001
12:26 am	truffles and carbohydrates tonight, today, was a day where i craved affection. more then usual i wanted to be looooved. school is over, no more no more no more. i am actually sort've sad. i was just starting to get to know some lovely people. i love to watch people talk. just the simple movement of their lips perplexes me. i see the sexual energy others emenating from every inch of their body with them being even remotely sexy. i wonder... who am i, and why does who i am count? or does it not? am i nothing? if someone truly doesn't believe in me, do i cease to exist? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 1st, 2001
11:28 pm	i just watched the only chick flick that i give a damn about- which would be of course, untamed heart. i sobbed again... oh it's such a beautiful movie. they loved each other so much! even though he went and died, it was so real and sweet. and my crap doesn't compare, and it puts things in perspective. i realize i am so young and there will be lonely times, but that's okay. because i'll be so thankful when i get to love again. so i'll wait and be fine, because i will be so good at loving when i get the chance. and i will get the chance- even if it's not now, it's comforting to know it's out there somewhere. mmmmm. somewhere... it's enough to make a person smile. so i will. until then... (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 31st, 2001
2:01 pm	sitting here in a placei don't want to be. and i have to want to be here because i can't be anywhere else. i think it's high time i smiled and felt coy... i felt so coy yesterday. it was such a good crazy day even if i wanted to eat sam's head. because i don't understand the negativity she brings with her on a daily basis, this arsonal of viciousness that is her constant purpose. she is simple in every way- every direction she goes in is for her benefit, her inner monolouge is me me me. sometimes i just need to talk about it like that, just say and not believe that someone like her exists and she is an analytical experiment for my mind. and there is floyd. she's so wonderful. her nature is that of slow moving water, gentle and lovely, one that will assuage all worries with it's rhythmic consistency. my little abbella, oh a lost cause, another person i couldn't help. if only she were stronger, or wanted to be, or stepped into this world with open eyes. i think she hates me sometimes. i can see it and sense it, hear the edges in her voice. it is the venom of jealousy, not because of who i am, but because i'm not scared of very many things. and it's true- i'm not. i am only scared of risk. which isn't too uextraordinary, and at least i'm aware. i want to be irresistibly chaotic for all i'm worth. i want to lie naked in the warm sun right now, with sweet soft tones of music, and the words pouring over my soul and my body... and i want to hear a voice that creates lines in my blurry ideas. who erases all boundaries for me, and creates them for himself... ha. what am i, then? to be stunning, to be, unreachable, to be reached and create estascy. wishes that everyone has. wishes that i have and need to see in myself, to be that person and me at the same time... can i say that? can i say "i want you, i will give you what you want, if you tell me what you need" and i will be everything and i will not make him happy and he will not make me happy, we will make each other happy. but that is the possibility of the future. i don't know the probablitity and i don't know if it matters very much because all i can control is myself in the here and now. and i feel to work hard, but i don't. i leave myself alone and become anxious. i will stop. smile, baby, smile. there are always options... you can have what you want. and you know what to do. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
9:17 am	constant upended suspended reality caused by the flight of my convulted mind and i am rocking to the rhythm of my bottomless savior somewhere unalterable, and unable to find and i know there's a reason i am lost like this i don't want to know- my ignorance is bliss and the purpose of knowledge is gone with the wind and the breath of the laughter that causes my tears so don't leave me alone in my wild world of water of colors and self righteous girls take me with you on journeys through jungles of thought behind the ocean of dreams and mountains of memories serpents that crawl and bite with answers venom of clarity confusion causing clouds in my mind filled with effervesence and nerve gas... sleep unto air crying for moments and joy and despair i'm late for second period. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
4:58 pm	today the moments are few and far between in which i am... electrified by life. i am crazed by the seconds which pass unused. there should be purpose, even if it is without cause. uplifted by ideas at the crossroads of reality and what is real to me, to be alive between the two and pass them by unprovoked by useless meanings. useless... is the net i am caught in, for the hot summer which doesn't come. i wait in anticipation for questions to stumble from my tounge, questions to live by and examine without answer, only joy at the clarity of the quandry. simplistic in their ideals, foggy with my ineptitude. i feel priviledged to be alive, and yet have no leverage in my own mind. i can determine and decipher what i want and what i need, and how to do it... but again i am useless without the motivation to suspend my phobia of dedication. inconstant in the direction of my love, constant in the belief of it's presence. this is who i am- a being who questions, and loves, and leaves reality below. who does nothing but think. only a lack of doing is so dangerous. a difficult habit to break, perhaps one i wish i did not have to say goodbye to. and this in itself shapes my current mind. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 27th, 2001
10:31 pm	funny how moments can be so satisfying in their simplicity even when things are not perfect, you can feel so content even if you have cold feet and a runny nose. and the fact that you have someone you appreciate. and you have books and all that malarkey because words help so much. and music. and i am so incoherent this evening! my mom is so good to me. and i have to admit that i would be lost without her. anywho- life will throw you something unexpected, and when you take the good with the bad... i'm having trouble trying to figure out which is the lesser evil, to support it and commit it, or be sad, i will finish this later (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
1:49 pm	i have such a crazy head on my shoulders today... i see through these eyes that are mine and they see me but nothing is willing to change. no no no i must be a part of the person i see myself becoming- i cannot be totally detached. i have to believe in risk, take it, compare it to the numbness i give myself to every day, and leave behind my fears as a child and take in stride the beneficial actions i must make as a person. i only want to write and be enveloped in words... oh to be only words (Comment on this)
Monday, May 21st, 2001
10:35 pm	eep! what do i do to myself? i keep digging myself in the same goddamn hole, why don't i just dig myself out and dig another one dammit! why can't i just fly? be electricity, and pop and sizzle and be... shocking!!! (no pun intended of course). ah well. i will be silent. i wish my daddy and i got along better. he is so jugdemental and he's always trying to teach me something instead of just listening and then i try and say something and he gets all defensive like he has an idea of what he's doing. and i want something i can have but i don't want to put myself in a risky position, which of course i'll have to do. risk... it's so scary, i'm so numb right now. oh baby there's something out there for me... and i'm heading towards it and i don't know what to say. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 20th, 2001
6:30 pm	i'm sorry my friend, i didnt mean to say something so... stupid. (Comment on this)
3:15 pm	bittersweet nothings oh i breathe when you see my face, and stop when you don't see inside me. i don't want to talk about you anymore. i am so alone, so together with it all. i keep floating up and down in mind, and i feel preoccupied by words, i realized there is someone who is no insecure. and i feel so petty around him. i don't understand how to not be insecure, i feel like i cannot hide behind my intellegence. i feel as if i have no intellegence, as well. it is something i cannot attest to feeling before, and it's like i'm too tired to retaliate, and i just adore him and i am another of the masses who sees him only as he wants me to see him, does anyone truly see him? i suppose he doesn't truly see me either. it goes both ways- i am therefore being too honest with him, and i don't know if i want to stop and manipulate him, though i think that would be the way to go. actually, i have no idea. i cannot figure him out at all. it pains me physically, and it becomes a constant question "why i am presented with this?" why do i care so much? what have i done to myself? it's criminal, and i think about myself too much. i see people in all their colors, i understand and comprehend simple humans. i see cause and effect, i see insecurity, i see strength, pain, weakness, joy, truth, simplicity, dedication, i recognize it all and that's why i feel like the mother hen, only he does not need my advice, my input. i feel useless to him. and there is a question of, are we two sides of the same coin, or different currencies? all i know is i don't care... and i want to always be talking to him, to hear what he decrees as right or wrong, to disagree and secretly know he is good and true, and i spark interest because i am curious. i want to understand this all, i see too clearly who i am, and too clearly what i do, and what others do... and then he comes along and fogs up my vision! i babble so completely and i sound like i'm in love. i'm not in love, or obsessed, not even carried away. i just don't understand! and i don't know how to deal with it all. even if he was a stranger and i was a fly on the wall and i didn't want to be near him, i would contemplate him and his wiles, he's too smart for me, and i am going to evaporate into his ideas, and drip back into me with my own. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 17th, 2001
10:56 pm	oh sweet day you've got me every moment i look forward to around the corner morning evening in between your lines i read my future and with the ticking test of time i leave behind my speckled past i am not alone and not unhappy at last and i am rockin' to the motions you've chosen cried to let you set me free and when i feel your fingers closing my eyes to sleep i pass away your hours lost in dreams and i feel so alive you can't imagine the love i have found and the taste of a person who understands my mind he's silent to me when he talks i see right into his thoughts and today i lived them all (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
7:18 pm	i feel so tired right now. but it's a good tired, a happy tired, a tired when you know you have at least one friend who will listen to whatever bullshit you chose to repeat time and time and time again. i love you floyd!! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
1:47 pm	to day has been a crazy day- something which confuses me because i'm not sad, i'm kind of happy, i have a bit of a headache, and i feel like doing whatever the hell i want. i am not scared of anything today. i don't feel very empowered- i just don't care. i want to free of all the melodramatic issues that present themselves and say "avery how you handle this is how you're going to judge yourself..." and know that i overreact, and then yell at myself and decide i'm slightly insane, and the vicious cycle starts all over again. i would be perfectly happy to be rude and honest, i would rather not lie again, but it's so much easier to tell little white lies- that way you cannot judge yourself and others cannot judge you on the little black truths. it's a disturbing fact, and i suppose that is just another gaping example of my ridiculous and teenage insecurity, but i don't think i'm the only one who treats themself this way. i just think i'm one of the few who is totally aware without the discipline to change it. i don't want to be a meek person, an angry person, a bitter person... i would be much better off with a smile, always, but just because i'm smiling doesn't give me the right to not say please and thank you. manners are good- they're an expression of respect. i feel so bad when i kill bug (by accident, always!). they have just as much right to be here as i do, and i hope they feel that way. somehow it is the simplicity of my life i don't like- the constant repititions of the same emotions, situations, patterns that i give myself total leeway to experience again and again, and therefore it is my fault. i would rather see it as my responsibility though. but trying to redirect blame does me no favors. i am still the same person in the same place that i was, slightly more detached but just as lazy, with an ability to give my self faults but the inabililty to care about them. it becomes something of a seperation tatic- i am the same as those people, i act in the same ways, speak, dress, live. but there is a part of me that knows- if they treat me poorly it is just a miscommunication of knowledge, a reason to feel lonely with an excuse. i have class now, i have to hand in a scientifically improbable but philosophical essay. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 13th, 2001
11:19 pm	i am so inbetween right now and i want to change who i am on the inside in a way, and in a way i don't, and in a way eyebrows confuse me and so do people and i know what i'm doing wrong sometimes, all the time, i'm too self aware and nonchalant and wanting a certain kind of person to live inside me and speak through my lips, the irresistable kind, the ignorant kind, the kind who doesn't get tipsy on LESS THEN HALF a glass of champagne! i want to be so beautiful nothing else matters if i don't want it to, but that will never happen. andi want to be so engaging that it doesn't matter if i'm beautiful or not... but that will never happen. and i want a happy medium, and that will never happen. what i really don't want is to be tired and slightly anxious. but i am. and i'm happy in a way. i have to go... sweet dreams dude heavers. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2001
9:29 pm	my secret friend Sweet dreams are made of these I need you to impede dark sleep and kiss my lips my eyes my mind to come to such a place as this… breathe me in and you shall find I fill you with the air you seek and I am who you need. I walk alone along dark streets searching for a voice to answer the questions of a lonely stranger, a vagabond of love and a flower of the evening. I see simplicity in your eyes, and you are more of a man then I knew, and before I saw with the fresh eyes of a girl and that is what I am to you. And so with no misgivings, I give you what I have of me. To comprehend this moment upon moment and future rings true, and it is hard to read between the lines when the words are so clear. Music doesn’t help me anymore, doesn’t lift me with it’s intoxicating complexities because you do not speak through lyrics but through truth, a rare medium of unparalleled proportions, and you are shunned for the cause which speaks through your lips. And I am but confused! And certain now of what brought uncertainty before- I have no excuses for my tenderness and you must accept who I am to be. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt you know, and one day we will be melodic in time, and I will be the exception to your rule. (Comment on this)